Lust vs. Embracing Beauty with Sam Jolman

What does it mean to be a biblically sexual man?

Can masculine men also be deeply romantic?

And how can we stop lusting and learn to embrace true beauty in other people?

For many Christians, sexuality has primarily been taught through the lens of behavior.

Do not lust.
Do not look at pornography.
Do not cross boundaries.

Those boundaries matter. Purity and sexual integrity matter.

But what happens when our entire understanding of sexual wholeness becomes reduced to whether we are “doing good” or “doing bad”?

What happens when we become so focused on suppressing sexuality that we begin to fear our own bodies, emotions, attraction, and arousal?

In our conversation with trauma therapist and author Sam Jolman, we explored a deeper and more hopeful vision of sexuality—one that moves beyond behavior management and toward curiosity, healing, worship, intimacy, and wholeness.

What Is Beneath the Behavior?

Sexual wholeness is not simply the absence of pornography, lust, infidelity, or compulsive behavior.

Sobriety, honesty, accountability, and boundaries are necessary parts of recovery. But removing a behavior does not automatically heal the pain, fear, shame, loneliness, or unmet needs underneath it.

Sam shared:

“Most compulsive sexual behavior is an attempt at soothing something that is already overwhelming within you.”

What many people identify as an intense “sex drive” may sometimes be emotional pain that has become sexualized.

Anger, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion, guilt, rejection, and insecurity can all become connected to arousal and acting out.

Instead of only asking, “Did I lust?” or “Did I relapse?” we can begin asking:

What happened before the temptation?

What am I feeling?

What am I trying to soothe?

What do I actually need?

These questions invite us into the deeper story beneath the behavior.

Arousal Is Not the Same as Lust

One of the most healing distinctions in this episode was the difference between arousal, desire, attraction, and lust.

Arousal is a physical response within the body.

Desire involves the heart.

The body may respond before the heart has made any moral decision. Experiencing arousal does not automatically mean someone has chosen lust.

As Sam explained:

“We can get into the muck of repenting for having a body rather than learning how to kill the flesh.”

Our bodies are not the enemy.

The question is how we respond to what is happening within us.

Do we continue looking in order to create fantasy, possession, or coveting? Or can we notice beauty, remain present, and choose to honor God, ourselves, our spouse, and the other person?

Noticing Beauty Is Not Automatically Lust

This can be an especially sensitive topic in betrayal recovery.

A betrayed spouse may notice their partner looking at someone attractive and immediately wonder:

Are they lusting?

Are they fantasizing?

Am I being compared?

Am I safe?

Those fears are understandable, especially when there has been a history of betrayal, pornography, secrecy, or objectification.

At the same time, noticing that someone is beautiful is not automatically the same thing as lust.

Lust takes beauty and turns it into something to consume.

It removes the person’s story, dignity, humanity, and sacredness.

True beauty does something different.

Beauty moves us.

It may awaken gratitude, longing, tenderness, grief, or awareness of a deeper need within us.

Instead of moving immediately toward fantasy, we can become curious:

Who is this person?

What is their story?

What is being stirred inside of me?

Am I lonely, disconnected, exhausted, or longing for romance and connection?

Then we can bring those deeper needs honestly before Jesus rather than using another person to escape them.

People Are Stories, Not Objects

Pornography and lust depend on removing someone’s personhood.

The person becomes an image, a body part, or a fantasy instead of a whole human being.

Curiosity disrupts objectification.

When we remember that every person has a story, family, suffering, fears, hopes, and dignity, it becomes harder to consume them.

They become a son or daughter of God rather than something to use.

This does not excuse harmful behavior. It helps us understand how to move from objectification toward empathy, honor, and truth.

Can Masculine Men Be Romantic?

Our culture often teaches that sex belongs to men and romance belongs to women.

But men are deeply capable of emotional connection, tenderness, beauty, poetry, empathy, and intimacy.

David was a warrior and a poet.

The Song of Songs celebrates both desire and romance.

Jesus Himself grieved, wept, loved, protected, confronted, and allowed Himself to be moved by others.

Strength and tenderness are not opposites.

Romance does not weaken masculinity.

A man’s ability to love, honor, protect, pursue connection, and remain emotionally present can be a profound expression of strength.

Purity Was Never the Ultimate Goal

Purity matters, but purity was never designed to become the final destination.

Throughout Scripture, cleansing prepared people to encounter God.

Purity was preparation for worship and presence.

As we reflected during the episode:

“Purity was never the ultimate goal. Purity was preparation for the presence of God.”

God is not only calling us away from destructive behavior.

He is calling us toward Himself.

Toward intimacy.

Toward worship.

Toward healthy connection.

Toward the ability to experience awe and beauty without needing to possess or consume it.

A More Hopeful Vision of Sexuality

We loved this conversation with Sam because it addressed many of the questions we struggled to understand during our own healing journey.

How do we distinguish between attraction and lust?

What do we do with arousal?

How do we remove shame without removing responsibility?

How do we rebuild safety when beauty and attraction have become threatening?

Learning to navigate these questions with honesty and wisdom played an important role in rebuilding trust and connection in our marriage.

Our hope is that this conversation helps you move beyond simply asking whether you are “doing good” or “doing bad.”

There is a deeper invitation:

To understand your story.

To recognize your needs.

To honor your body.

To steward your heart.

To see people as whole human beings.

To embrace beauty without consuming it.

And ultimately, to allow your sexuality to lead you toward greater intimacy with God rather than deeper shame.

Listen to our full conversation with Sam Jolman on the Restored 2 More Podcast, and be sure to check out his book for an even deeper exploration of masculinity, beauty, sexuality, and healing.